


Busted, Baby

by KuriKuri



Category: DOUBLE DECKER! ダグ&キリル | Double Decker! Doug & Kirill (Anime)
Genre: F/F, Humor, M/M, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 14:34:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18812893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuriKuri/pseuds/KuriKuri
Summary: “Is your mouth supposed to feel numb after kissing?” Kay blurts out.Kirill blinks at her.“Uh,” Kirill replies. “What sort of numb?”“Deana kissed me earlier,” Kay says, watching as Kirill’s eyes go very round. “And now I’ve lost all feeling in my mouth and part of my face.”(Or: 4 Times Doug and Deana Tricked Kirill and Kay + 1 Time Kirill and Kay Got Back At Them)





	Busted, Baby

**Author's Note:**

> i don't go here but i just marathoned double decker and this idea was stuck in my head. the title is from the double decker ED. 
> 
> also if you're here for ~pure, sweet~ wlw i'm sorry, deana's kind of an asshole (which is why i love her)

  1. **Doug**



Kirill’s a few paragraphs away from falling asleep on top of the report he’s trying to read when it happens.

The loud crash makes him jerk abruptly back to consciousness, eyes wide as he glances over to the source of the sound, adrenaline spiking. His already elevated heartrate only increases further when his eyes land on Doug, who’s fallen out of his chair, kneeling against the concrete floor, one hand clutching at the edge of his desk and his face twisted up in a grimace.

“Doug!” Kirill blurts out, practically falling out of his chair himself as he scrambles over to Doug. As he gets a better look at Doug’s expression, though, his insides go cold, and he turns towards the door to yell, “I need an ambu – ”

“Don’t,” Doug grits out, grabbing Kirill’s arm hard enough that Kirill has to bite back a wince. “I’m fine.”

“You need medical attention,” Kirill protests, his lips twisting into a scowl.  

“It’s an old condition,” Doug says, and he starts to try to push himself to his feet, but Kirill pulls him back down to the ground before he can even get both knees off the floor.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kirill huffs, giving Doug his best glare. He tangles his fingers tight in the sleeves of Doug’s jacket, hoping that it’ll deter Doug from trying to stand up again.

“It means that it’s not going to kill me,” Doug replies, the corners of his lips quirking up into a smile that looks halfway between exasperated and fond. Kirill tries to convince himself the reason his cheeks heat is because he’s annoyed, not because he sort of likes it when Doug smiles at him like that.

And if he does like Doug in any way, it’s the partner sort of way.

Probably.

Maybe.

“Well, do you have medicine or something, then?” Kirill asks, studying Doug’s face and trying to recall his first aid training. “Is there anything I can do?”

“No, there’s nothing – ” Doug starts, shaking his head slightly, but then he pauses, considering Kirill for a moment. Then he says, “There is one thing you can do.”

“What is it?” Kirill blurts out, leaning in closer.

“Kiss me.”

Kirill blinks at Doug.

“Kiss – ?” Kirill sputters, and this time he definitely can’t pretend that the flush on his face is due to annoyance.

“It helps suppress the poison. Normally I don’t go this long without kissing someone, but lately I just haven’t had the time,” Doug sighs, a put-upon expression on his face.

“How would a kiss suppress poison?” Kirill asks, trying to ignore the rapid beat of his heart in his chest. His hands are still fisted in Doug’s shirt, and he’s suddenly overly aware of them, of Doug’s body heat just beneath his fingertips, so little space in between them that he’d barely need to lean in to –

“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to,” Doug says, breaking Kirill out of his thoughts. “It’ll pass on it’s own after – ”

“No!” Kirill blurts out, his mouth moving faster than his mind. “I can do it!”

“Well,” Doug says, that small smile tugging at his lips again, “if you’re okay with it.”

“We’re partners,” Kirill replies, his voice firm. It’s a lot steadier than the erratic beating of his heart. “We’re supposed to help each other.”

“Alright,” Doug sighs. “Close your eyes.”

Kirill does as he’s told, eyelids fluttering closed. Briefly, he wonders if his heart is beating loud enough for Doug to heart it, and he’s uncomfortably aware of the sweat condensing against his palms as he waits for Doug to close the last bit of space between them and –

The sound of a camera shutter makes him blink his eyes open again.

Before, Doug’s hands had been trembling a little, but now his entire body is shaking, and for a moment, alarm overwhelms Kirill, but then he catches sight of the phone in Doug’s hand.

Or, rather, the image of himself displayed on the phone screen, eyes shut, cheeks pink, and lips puckered in anticipation.

“You tricked me!” Kirill yelps. This time, the redness of his face is at least seventy percent anger.

“I can’t believe you fell for it,” Doug laughs. There are actual tears clinging to the corners of his eyes. “I mean really, a poison that can only be suppressed by kissing someone? I’m pretty sure kisses don’t do anything for old nerve injures either, but you’re the microbiology expert.”

“Delete it!” Kirill yells, lunging for Doug’s phone.

“I thought it would make such a nice background,” Doug muses, deftly keeping the phone out of Kirill’s reach. “As a reminder of how far you’d go to save me.”

“I’ll let you die next time!” Kirill growls.

Doug laughs.

\---

  1. **Deana**



“Really? You’ve never dated anyone?”

“I – ” Kay stutters, the flush painting her face only half from the non-alcoholic beer she’s been drinking, leaning heavily against a table in Derick’s bar. “I’ve always been so busy with work that – ”

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Max says, giving Kay a small smile. “You’re still young, so you have plenty of time. I think I’d only dated two people by your age.”

“I’ve only ever been with Max,” Yuri adds. Idly, Kay wonders how a robot’s voice can be so serene and comforting. “Although I suppose if we calculate age based on when my core was first activated, I’m younger than you.”

The flush on Kay’s face has receded a little and she fiddles with her beer bottle as she murmurs, “I guess that makes me feel a little better.”

However, once the words are out of her mouth, something occurs to her.

“Deana-san, how many people have you dated?” Kay asks, peering across the table at Deana.

“None of your business,” Deana snorts, taking another swig of her own (much more alcoholic) beer.

“Everyone else has already shared,” Kay whines, letting the relaxed atmosphere erode away a bit of her usual politeness. “We’re supposed to be bonding! As partners!”

“You’re starting to sound like Kirill,” Deana huffs, giving Kay an unimpressed and mildly annoyed look.

“But – ” Kay starts.

Before she can finish her sentence, though, Deana stands up from the table, a little abruptly, and announces, “My private life is my private life. I came here to drink, not to gossip.”

“Deana-san – ” Kay says, pushing herself up from her seat, but Max catches her elbow, keeping her down.

“Let her go,” Max says, and although it’s not exactly an order, it’s firm in a way that makes Kay pause. For a moment, Kay hesitates, watching as Deana makes herself comfortable at the bar instead, demanding a refill on her beer, but eventually Kay sighs and slumps back down into her seat.

This time when she reaches for her beer, she takes a bit bigger of a swig than she probably should have.

“She’ll open up to you eventually,” Max continues, patting Kay on the back. “She just takes a while to warm up to people. She’s like a stray cat, you have to keep feeding her until she decides you’re safe.”

“So she doesn’t trust me,” Kay mutters, slumping forward against the table.

“I never said that,” Max huffs. “You just need to give her a bit more time.”

The conversation moves onto safer grounds from there, devolving into idle chatter about the week’s cases and Max’s latest gardening projects. Kay can’t help the way her eyes keep straying to Deana, though, knocking back another bottle of beer as she leans over the bar, complaining to Derick about something or other.

Apparently Derick’s trustworthy enough to talk to.

Kay scowls.

“Hey, are you still with us?”

“Yes!” Kay yelps, jumping to attention as she looks back at Max and Yuri. They’re both wearing distinctly amused expressions, and Kay feels her cheeks heat.

“We’re heading out now,” Max says, tugging on her jacket. “Are you okay to get home by yourself?”

“Ah, yes, I’m fine,” Kay assures them, clutching her non-alcoholic beer a little tighter.

“Alright, well take care,” Max replies, giving Kay a small smile as she and Yuri get up from the table. “See you tomorrow.”

“See you,” Kay echoes as Max and Yuri head for the door, watching as Yuri slips her hand into Max’s, their shoulders brushing as they try to squeeze through the doorframe side by side.

If only she had a partner like that.

For a moment, Kay hesitates, but then she drags herself up from her chair. Slowly, she makes her way over to the bar, taking in the inebriated flush spread over Deana’s face as she slumps against the counter, her lower lip pushed out into something dangerously close to a pout as she gestures at Derick with a sad-looking French fry.

Kay steels herself and slides onto the stool next to Deana.

“You need a refill?” Deana asks, glancing over at her.

“Ah, no, I probably shouldn’t,” Kay answers, fiddling with her empty bottle. She hesitates, biting her lower lip, and then says, “Actually, I wanted to apologize for pushing earlier. We haven’t know each other for that long and I – ” She pauses. “I’ve been rushing things. Because I want to be friends.”

The red of Deana’s lipstick shimmers in the low lighting of the bar, and Kay tries not to think about how she wouldn’t mind being something a little more than friends either.

For a moment, Deana’s quiet, studying Kay with an expression she can’t quite interpret.

“I’ve never dated anyone.”

Kay blinks at her, caught off guard.

“People always make assumptions about me, because of how I dress and the sort of sting work I do, but…” She trails off, avoiding Kay’s eyes as she drags a finger through the condensation on the side of her beer bottle. “I’m so used to being under cover, I’m not sure I can trust someone with that sort of intimacy.”

“Oh,” Kay says softly. Her heart hurts a little as she takes in Deana’s expression, eyes downcast, mouth a little pinched. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have – ”

“Don’t worry about it,” Deana interrupts. She finally meets Kay’s eyes again, a small, tentative smile on her lips. “Maybe it’s good you’re pushing me.”

“Good?” Kay echoes.

“Maybe,” Deana says slowly, leaning into Kay’s personal space, “I just need to find the right person to trust.”

The closer their faces get, the faster Kay’s heart starts to beat, thudding so rapidly in her chest that she almost wonders if it’s about to explode, if it _will_ explode, once Deana’s lips –

“Oh my god, you’re _so gullible_.”

“Eh?” Kay says, broken out of her trance.

“Do I really look like I’ve never slept with someone?” Deana huffs, and Kay yelps as Deana flicks her forehead. “I’ve been on so many dates I’ve lost track of how many.”

“You lied to me!” Kay whines, still rubbing at her forehead. Her cheeks have flushed pink again, although this time the embarrassment has more to do with falling for Deana’s trick than the proximity of their mouths.

“Come back when you’ve grown up a bit, kid,” Deana snorts, standing up from her stool. She shoots Kay a smirk and adds, “I don’t do virgins.”

Kay refrains from throwing the reminder of her non-alcoholic beer in Deana’s face.

Because she’s a mature adult.

\---

  1. **Doug**



There is a ring on Doug’s finger.

There is a ring on Doug’s _ring_ finger.

Kirill’s been watching Doug type for at least half an hour know, staring blankly at the way the gold band shimmers under the yellow lighting of the Seven-0 office. He can’t remember ever seeing it before, but he also hadn’t noticed the haircut that Sophie had gotten last week, which had earned him a lecture from Travis on observation skills and how he’d never get a girlfriend.

To be honest, Kirill’s a little too hung up on Doug at the moment to care about getting a girlfriend, but he _is_ supposed to be a detective, and also there’s a ring on Doug’s finger and _he has no idea how long there’s been a ring on Doug’s finger_.

“Constable Vrubel?”

“Yes!” Kirill yelps, automatically snapping up into an attentive pose, his spine rigid.

Doug gives him a vaguely amused look. Kirill should probably dislike it more than he does.

“Is there something you need to talk to me about?” Doug asks, easy and unperturbed.

“What? No!” Kirill says with a strained laugh, forcing a smile. “Why would I have something I need to talk to you about?”

“You’ve been staring at me for over half an hour now,” Doug replies, and Kirill feels his face heat. Unlike his own observation skills, Doug’s are top-notch.

“I was just, uh, trying to think of how to tell you that you have your ring on the wrong finger,” Kirill finally manages, in the hopes that it’ll at least let him dodge the issue of how long the ring’s been there. “I mean, unless you suddenly got married, because – ”

“I am married,” Doug interrupts.

Kirill gapes at him.

“You didn’t know?” Doug asks, his eyebrows rising up towards his hairline. “I try to separate work and my private life a little bit, but it’s not exactly a secret. Why do you think I always try to go home early instead of staying out for drinks with you?”

“Uh,” Kirill replies eloquently. He doesn’t exactly know how to say, _I thought you didn’t think of me as a true partner yet and would rather do laundry than hang out with me_.

“Andrew gets moody if I do too much overtime and leave him alone for too long,” Doug sighs, and Kirill’s brain feels a little like it’s going to short-circuit. “He still hasn’t forgiven me for forgetting about our five year anniversary.”

“You could bring him with the next time we go for drinks at Derick’s,” Kirill blurts out, the words passing his lips before his mind can process them fully. In fact, he half regrets them as soon as they’re out of his mouth, because while he’s curious about Doug’s husband, he’s not entirely sure his heart would be able to handle seeing Doug and his husband together, looking at each other lovingly, cuddling up together intimately –

Kirill’s chest is starting to feel uncomfortably tight.

“Unfortunately, Andrew’s the jealous type,” Doug says with a little laugh. “He’d just nag me more if he knew I was doing overtime with such a cute partner.”

Doug’s smile turns into something closer to a smirk, and Kirill’s face heats until he’s sure it’s turned a truly embarrassing shade of red.

“I wouldn’t – ” Kirill sputters, heart beating fast as he starts to wonder if maybe Doug’s picked up on his little crush. Maybe that’s why Doug never asks him out for drinks, if he’s afraid of what his husband will think if he lets Kirill cling to him and –

“Veteran!”

Travis’ voice drags Kirill out of his increasingly frantic thoughts.

“I’m coming,” Doug replies, dragging himself up from his desk. He turns back to Kirill and adds, “Don’t try to look through my phone for pictures.”

With that, he heads for Travis’ office.

As soon as Doug is out of sight, Kirill slumps back into his chair.

“Did you know Doug has a husband?” he groans, looking over at Kay.

“He has a husband?” Kay asks, her eyes going a little wide as she looks away from the report she’s writing.

“Are you talking about Andrew?” Deana cuts in, turning towards the two of them, a smirk tugging at the corners of her lips.

“You know about him?” Kirill blurts out, twisting around in his chair to face Deana.

“Five foot ten, brown hair, green eyes,” Deana lists off, counting facts on her fingers. “Married to Doug for five years, prone to jealousy, works at a veterinary clinic close to the fifth precinct office, they met because Andrew takes his dog for walks at the same park that Doug goes running at – ”

“He told you that much?” Kirill asks, trying to ignore the tight feeling in his chest.

Sure, Doug and Deana have known each other a lot longer than him and Doug, but they’re _partners_. He thought partners were supposed to be closer than that.

“He didn’t have to tell me,” Deana says. A full smirk spreads across her face as she holds up a folder. “It’s all in the new case file.”

Kirill blinks at her in confusion.

“I would say it’s a good cover story if it was able to fool you, but being able to fool an idiot like you doesn’t count for much,” Deana sighs.

“Hey!” Kirill yelps in protest.

If his chest feels a little less tight than before, it’s just because he doesn’t have to worry about being accused of being a homewrecker anymore.

Really.

\---

  1. **Deana**



“Oi, Rookie.”

“Yes?” Kay replies, looking up from the stack of cold case files she’s been going through. However, she barely gets the word out before Deana’s slender fingers wrap around her chin and –

Deana plants a kiss squarely on her lips.

Kay finds herself frozen, unable to do anything but sit there as Deana’s mouth presses firmly against her own. Deana’s lips are softer than she’d expected, a little sticky with lipstick, and although the kiss is hardly gentle, it’s not exactly forceful either, and Kay’s about to let her eyes slip shut when Deana pulls away.

“How do you feel?” Deana asks, studying Kay with narrowed eyes.

“How – ?” Kay sputters, her cheeks flushing pink. “We’re in a professional work environment! There are rules about – ”

“Hmm,” Deana says. “Not effective enough.”

With that, she turns on her heel and marches out the door.

Kay’s not entirely sure what just happened.

The day only gets progressively more confusing from there. Deana ambushes her next to the copier a few hours later, backing her up against the machine and kissing her a little more aggressively than last time, hard enough that Kay’s lips feel a little tingly afterwards.

The third time’s just outside the shooting range, and Kay’s a bit more prepared than the previous two times, but Deana’s lucky she hadn’t actually picked up a gun yet. Kay can’t help the soft moan that escapes her mouth as Deana kisses her, Deana’s arm wrapped firmly around her waist, and she’s almost disappointed when Deana pulls away again instead taking the opportunity to delve into her mouth.

The fourth time is in the staff kitchen, the fifth in the women’s restroom, but every time Deana escapes before Kay can demand an explanation, leaving Kay flushed and a little rumpled, mouth smeared with traces of Deana’s bright pink lipstick.

It’s gotten to the point where Kay feels her heartrate spike whenever she catches a glimpse of Deana, adrenaline and anticipation flooding her, despite the way her mouth’s long since gone numb.

Is that supposed to happen? Is it normal for kissing to make you lose feeling in the facial area?

“Kirill?”

“Yeah?” Kirill asks around a mouthful of sandwich, hunched over his desk as he eats lunch.

Kay glances around the office, making sure that no else is around, and then says, “Have you ever kissed someone before?”

Kirill chokes on his sandwich.

It takes him a few moments of hacking and half a glass of water to regain the ability to speak, and when he finally looks over at Kay again, his face has turned an interesting shade of pink.

“Of course I’ve kissed someone before!” Kirill announces, louder and with more bluster than is probably necessary. “If you need tips, then you’ve come to the right person, because I’ve definitely kissed lots of people before!”

Kirill laughs and Kay’s not quite able to suppress the skepticism that bleeds into her expression. She would have preferred to ask Max, Yuri, or even Sophie about this, but Max and Yuri are out on a mission and Sophie’s taking a long lunch break (probably with Travis’ wallet).

“So what do you need to know?” Kirill asks, breaking Kay from her thoughts. “Normally I don’t give out my secret techniques, but maybe I could be convinced to – ”

“Is your mouth supposed to feel numb afterwards?” Kay blurts out.

Kirill blinks at her.

“Uh,” Kirill replies. “What sort of numb?”

“Deana kissed me earlier,” Kay says, watching as Kirill’s eyes go very round. “And now I’ve lost all feeling in my mouth and part of my face.”

“I guess your mouth does look kind of red,” Kirill muses, leaning in a little closer to inspect Kay’s mouth. He hesitates, but then reaches out to poke a finger against Kay’s lower lip, short-clipped fingernail digging into Kay’s skin. “Does this hurt?”

“I can’t feel anything,” Kay answers. Kirill’s expression morphs into something more concerned than before.

“Maybe we should get Apple to take a look at you,” Kirill says, eyeing Kay’s mouth dubiously.

Which, consequently, is how Kay finds herself sitting on an exam table as Apple pokes around her mouth with a series of tools she can’t identify, while Kirill hovers around in the background, with the expression of someone who wants to help but doesn’t know what to do.

“This isn’t my area of expertise, but it looks like you’ve consumed some sort of paralytic agent,” Apple finally announces, withdrawing his tools from Kay’s mouth. “You should probably go to the hospital to – ”

“Oi, Apple!”

The door to the exam room opens with a loud smack, and Deana barges in, holding out a tube of lipstick in front of her as if it were a knife.

“That’s _Doctor_ – ” Apple starts, but Deana cuts him off.

“You said this lipstick was supposed to paralyze people,” Deana complains, stabbing the lipstick tube into Apple’s chest.

“It’s still just a prototype!” Apple protests, his cheeks puffing up with indignation.

“Yeah, well, it doesn’t work,” Deana replies, glaring at him. “I’m going to need something with a much higher paralytic dosage if it’s going to be usable in the field. At this point all it does is – ”

“You were trying to _poison_ me?” Kay exclaims, her face flushing with anger.

“Paralyze,” Deana corrects. “Not poison.”

Kay only barely manages to keep herself from strangling Deana then and there.

So much for a romantic first kiss.

\---

**\+ 1. Kirill & Kay**

“What are you two looking at?”

Kirill yelps in a way that Doug never fails to find amusing, cheeks pinked up. It makes Doug want to tease him until he’s once again attempting the most unintimidating glare in the history of mankind.

“Doug-san!” Kay says from where she’s pulled her chair up next to Kirill’s, holding up a case file in a poor attempt at concealing Kirill’s computer screen. “We were just – researching! For a case!”

“Really?” Doug asks, doing his best to sound innocent. “Which case?”

“It’s a new case,” Kirill answers, a strained smile stretched across his face. He really needs to learn how to hide his emotions better, if they’re going to be doing more undercover work.

“You should debrief me, then,” Doug says, leaning against the back of Kirill’s chair and trying to peer past the case file blocking the computer screen.

“Oi, Rookie! What are you and Buzz-Cut up to?” a familiar voice calls from across the office, and Doug has to suppress a smile as he glances over to find Deana coming towards them, her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“Apparently our partners have picked up a new case without us,” Doug sighs, as if Kirill and Kay were puppies who had chewed on someone’s shoe.

“A case?” Deana asks, arching an eyebrow as her eyes fall on where Kay’s trying to conceal the computer screen. Kay’s starting to look a little panicked. “Let’s seen then.”

With that, Deana plucks the folder out of Kay’s hands.

Doug blinks at the screen, a little caught off guard.

“You know, if you need a wedding dress, you can just use the one that Buzz-Cut wore last time,” Deana says, examining the display of elaborate white dresses on the online store website. “You know, for that dying old man and his kid.”

“Well, Kirill’s shoulders are a little broader than mine,” Kay replies with an awkward little laugh.

“I guess you’d need something with more room up top, too,” Deana muses, eyeing Kay’s chest. Her eyes linger a little too long for it to be a perfunctory once-over, and Doug has to bite back a snort at her lack of subtlety.

Then again, Kay hasn’t seemed to realize she’s serious, so maybe she doesn’t need to worry.

“I haven’t heard anything about this sort of undercover mission,” Doug says, the corners of his lips tugging down in a slight frown and his forehead creasing.

Also, a small part of him is disappointed it’ll be Kay wearing the dress this time, instead of Kirill.

“Oh, um, well,” Kay starts, clearly floundering for an excuse. Doug doubts he’ll have to put much more pressure on her before she breaks – which is something they’ll have rectify in future training sessions – but he also can’t think of why she and Kirill would be looking at –

“Kay and I are engaged,” Kirill announces.

“Kirill!” Kay hisses, her face going bright pink.

“They were going to find out eventually,” Kirill huffs, giving Kay a look. She still doesn’t look happy with the situation, but some of her anger seems to have melted away, and briefly, Doug wonders if this is what he looks like whenever Kirill gaze up at him with those big blue eyes of his.

“I suppose,” Kay sighs, sinking down a little further into her chair. “It’s probably lucky that we were able to hide it for this long.”

“Is it April Fool’s Day or something?” Deana asks, looking torn between confusion and annoyance. And maybe a little bit of jealousy. “Since when are you two dating?”

“We’re not,” Kirill replies, which really doesn’t help make any part of the situation more understandable.

“My parents were good friends with Kirill’s grandfather,” Kay explains. “They made an agreement about it back when we were little, and it’s supposed to come into effect when I turn twenty next month.”

“So an arranged marriage,” Doug clarifies. He tries to ignore the tight, uncomfortable feeling in his chest and mostly fails.

“You two knew each other before joining Seven-0?” Deana asks, skepticism clear in her tone, eyes narrowed as she examines Kirill.

“Not really,” Kirill answers, shrugging slightly. “Our families would get together sometimes, so we’d see each other then, but after Milla left…”

He trails off, a tight look on his face, the sort of expression that always makes Doug want to tease him until it turns into a mundane sort of flustered annoyance, instead of something so sad.

“I was so surprised when I found out that Kirill had been recruited to Seven-0 too,” Kay says, a sweet little smile spreading across her lips. Doug hates it. “And I was worried about what would happen with the anti-fraternization rules, so we tried to pretend that we’d never met before.”

“No one here gives a shit about fraternization,” Deana snorts, crossing her arms over her chest. “Max and Yuri live together, for fuck’s sake.”

“Just because we’re allowed to get away with certain things doesn’t mean we should flaunt the rules so blatantly!” Kay huffs, her cheeks puffed up in indignation as she looks up at Deana.

“Well, isn’t you and Buzz-Cut getting married against the rules anyway?” Deana asks, jerking a thumb at Kirill. “So call it off.”

“Hey!” Kirill yelps, looking mildly offended. His reaction makes Doug clench his teeth unconsciously.

“We can’t just call it off,” Kay protests. She hesitates, and then adds, “Unless…”

“Unless?” Doug prompts, a little too quickly.

“Unless one of us is in a committed relationship at the time the arrangement comes into effect,” Kirill explains, peering up at Doug from under his eyelashes and biting his lower lip. For a moment, Doug almost thinks he feels his heart skip a beat.

Before Doug can think of how to reply to that, though, Deana leans down and kisses Kay firmly on the lips.

Kay lets out a soft, surprised noise, her fists tangling in the front of Deana’s dress. Doug and Kirill watch on awkwardly as Deana and Kay kiss each other with increasing franticness, and Doug’s about to suggest they leave the room when Deana finally breaks the kiss and says, “We’re going to Luminox Port.”

“We are?” Kay asks, her voice a little breathy.

“Where else can we get married in less than twenty-four hours?” Deana snorts, as if it should be obvious.

“Oh,” Kay replies, sounding a little dazed. She doesn’t protest when Deana drags her up out of her chair and over towards the door, which Doug supposes must mean she’s not completely opposed to the idea of a shotgun wedding.

“You’re not going to invite us?” Doug asks dryly.

Deana flips him off over her shoulder.

Once they’re gone, Doug looks back down at Kirill.

“Well, now you don’t have to worry about that anymore,” Doug says, plopping himself down in Kay’s vacated chair.

“I guess,” Kirill replies, his tone a little wistful and his eyes still fixed on the door.

Doug frowns.

“You didn’t – ” Doug starts, but then cuts himself off, trying to figure out how to phrase what he wants to say. “Did you actually want to marry her?”

“What? No!” Kirill blurts out, a little too quickly. It makes an ugly feeling coil in Doug’s chest. “I mean, I’m happy for her, and – ” He cuts himself off, his expression pinched. “I mean, sure, she’s pretty and smart and good at her job, but soon I’ll be a famous hero with all sorts of women like that falling over me!”

Normally, Kirill doesn’t have to fake his ridiculous amount of self-confidence, so it’s painfully easy to tell when he’s forcing himself.

“Vrubel – ” Doug starts, but then cuts himself off. “Kirill.”

Kirill’s eyes go a little wide at the use of his given name.

Slowly, Doug reaches out to brush aside a clump of Kirill’s bangs, tucking it behind Kirill’s ear and letting his fingers trail over Kirill’s cheek in the process. Kirill’s face goes a little pink, and idly, Doug can’t help but think that the color suits him, another pastel to compliment the light shades of his hair and eyes.

“I might not be exactly what you had in mind,” Doug says slowly, making intent eye contact with Kirill, “but reliable sources have told me that I’m attractive, smart, and good at my job.”

Kirill’s eyes go a little wide, and his lower lip starts to tremble. He ducks his head, hair falling down to obscure his face, and a swell of alarm travels through Doug as he sees Kirill’s shoulders start to tremble, as if he’s started to _cry_ –

Kirill howls with laughter.

“Oh my god,” he wheezes, tears of mirth forming in the corners of his eyes. “Oh my _god_ , your _face!_ ”

Doug stares at him blankly, trying to process the situation.

“I didn’t think you’d actually fall for it,” Kirill cackles, banging a fist against his desk as he doubles over with laughter. “Holy shit, we should have done this _ages_ ago! I hope the security cameras got it, because – ”

“Constable Vrubel,” Doug says, his tone icy. “What is the meaning of this?”

“Kay and I were never engaged,” Kirill replies, giving Doug an unimpressed look. “I mean, come on. An arranged marriage? It’s not even like we’re from super rich families or anything.”

It makes sense, looking back on it, but, well. He and Deana are supposed to be the one pulling tricks, not Kay and Kirill.

“Well, in that case, I suppose you don’t need me to comfort you,” Doug says, and he starts to stand up from the chair.

“What? No!” Kirill blurts out, catching Doug’s wrist to prevent him from escaping. Kirill’s face flushes once he seems to register what he’s done, but he doesn’t let go, instead tightening his grip on Doug. “I mean, Max and Yuri are together, and now so are Deana and Kay, and even Sophie and Travis go on dates.” He bites his lower lip, looking up at Doug with those big blue eyes of his. “You’re not gonna make me be the only single one, are you?”

Technically, both of them would be single, but Doug can’t manage to get the words out, not with Kirill looking at him like that.

He really hopes that Kirill never figures out just how effective his cute face is, because then he’d really be in trouble.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm [here](https://twitter.com/authorkurikuri) on twitter, and on tumblr i'm [letaizawarest](https://letaizawarest.tumblr.com) but i only write bnha and will probably never produce another double decker work so. sorry?


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